So this is how it ends: with Phillip Schofield taking off his pants and running naked into the sea off Madagascar, after burning the names of his enemies on a bonfire. It’s not quite Alan Partridge gorging on Toblerone and driving barefoot to Dundee, but it’s not far off.
After the giddy highs of the second episode of Phillip Schofield Cast Away (Channel 5) – threatening to drive a bus over his This Morning colleagues (metaphorically or literally, who knows), raging against the “three s—s” of showbiz, sobbing and quoting poetry at the top of a cliff – this third and final instalment felt like the comedown. But he still had one more thing to get off his chest.
If you remember as far back as Tuesday’s episode, you will know that Schofield blamed his sacking on homophobia. Now he tells us that he lost his job because his brother was a paedophile. “I was fired for the bad publicity for someone else’s crime,” he protests.
Later, he says: “All you can do is make the best of what you have and there is absolutely no point in crying about the past.” This said with a straight face, after 10 days of settling scores.
Throwing the names of one’s enemies on a fire is something that a bunch of 11-year-old girls might consider in a moment of silliness, but here we have the unedifying sight of a 62-year-old man doing it. “Over the course of my 10 days I have written down all the things and all the people who were and are toxic in my life,” he says, whipping out a notebook. This brought back fond memories of the time he produced a list of alleged paedophiles on This Morning and shoved it at the then Prime Minister David Cameron.
Schofield reiterated that “never in a million years will I go back to daytime telly”, which is rather like me saying I will never in a million years model for Gucci: the offer isn’t really on the table, is it? But he’s clearly angling for more work from Channel 5.
The irony is that if the broadcaster had given him a regular travel programme as a way back into TV, there would have been some grumbling but the fuss would swiftly have blown over. He’s hardly Huw Edwards, after all. Most of us hadn’t given Schofield a second’s thought in the past year, despite his belief that the nation remains gripped by his downfall (paparazzi outside his house every day to catch him walking the dog, apparently).
Yet by letting us see just how bitter he is, and how gleefully he’s revelling in the chance to take aim at his enemies, he is killing off any chance of finding regular work. Schofield was a popular ITV presenter because he seemed affable and easy-going. Now he seems like a person who keeps a Holly Willoughby voodoo doll on his bedside table.
“The toxic bank is empty. The goodness bank is full,” he says serenely. For goodness’ sake, Phillip, go home and embrace retirement.
